SETTING BOUNDARIES
Forgiving someone who has wronged us can be difficult and because of this we often place forgiveness into categories. Have you ever engaged in a conversation where you or someone else said, “I can forgive a person if they did (insert a forgivable action), but if they ever crossed the line and did (insert the action you consider the most offensive) I just don’t think I could do that, it would be too hard”. Seems practical and realistic doesn’t it. After all what we are doing is establishing to the listener what kind of behavior we are willing to tolerate. But are we somehow confusing boundaries with forgiveness when we make such an assertion? We have established a demarcation, one where we inform those we are in conversation and or in a relationship with that they are free to act as they please but up to a point. But it begs the question, if we establish a boundary and said boundary is crossed does that mean the action is unforgivable? Does forgiveness and boundaries go hand in hand or are they mutually exclusive? Our boundaries determine what actions and or behavior we are willing to tolerate. Forgiveness, however, has no constraints, it extends itself beyond what we can tolerate. This means if we are to forgive there must first be an offense. The act of forgiving requires boundaries being crossed; it requires someone performing an action towards us that we consider hurtful.
WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?
A wonderful passage that teaches us how to respond when we find ourselves in these types of situations is Psalm 4:4 it says, “don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent”. It is also referenced in Ephesians 4:26 which states “be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath”. What I love about these passages is, we are not told to stifle our emotions or to deny them. We can be angry, which these passages clearly demonstrate, notwithstanding the aim is to learn how to control our anger; moreover, how to process our anger and from there a better course of action will be made clear. So often when our boundaries are crossed, we respond immediately, we lash out or we call a friend and scandalize the perpetrator. We replay the encounter and continue to fill ourselves with anger. There are occasions when immediate action is required depending on the nature of the offense. For example, if someone threatens your personhood, immediate action may be required. I want to make that clear to not cause any confusion. Nevertheless, providing the nature of the offense, sleep on it and keep quiet. Don’t ruminate about the offense. Sometimes we are blinded by the many factors that lead up to an action we deemed offensive. Full reflection allows us to take accountability in the situation not merely calling to mind the offense.
WE HAVE TO GIVE IT TO GET!
Often when we are wronged, we dig our heels into the ground and establish a path forward under the guise of setting and maintaining boundaries, when in essence we are truly operating in the spirit of unforgiveness. Jesus said, “if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:14-15 NKJV). A trespass is when someone commits an offense against another. In the interest of our discussion when someone crosses our boundaries. We all consider ourselves a forgiving person until we must exercise forgiveness. If setting a boundary includes harboring ill feelings towards someone, that is unforgiveness. If setting a boundary includes lack of accountability on our part, we may be guilty of unforgiveness and partiality. We are instructed to forgive. The bible did not stipulate what kind of actions are forgivable instead we are told to “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the LORD forgave you so you must forgive others” (Col.3:13-14). Does forgiving others mean we allow them to continually disregard our boundaries? No, it does not. Forgiving someone means we are not holding a grudge. If we can be in the persons presence without there being tension or any awkwardness on our part, be friendly, if we can refrain from rehearsing the offense to others and ourselves, if we can put a stop to scandalizing the other person, if we can pray for them and wish them well, we are moving in the spirit of forgiveness. Cutting people off and claiming we are setting boundaries and protecting our peace, while still having ill feelings and speaking negatively about them is not forgiveness. Remember how many times we have failed the Lord. How many times we have sinned and made mistakes, yet he forgives us, it is “because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning” (Lam 3:22-33 NIV). What kind of relationships would we have if we exercised that kind of mercy towards each other? Let us move forward, forgiving those who have offended us just as Christ forgives us.